Harlem, NY – A flurry of new underground street tags are causing an irreversible & symptomless blindness.
Authorities have been receiving bizarre reports of graffiti that “induce blindness” but dismissed most early calls as teen pranks. As the volume of calls escalated from minute to catastrophic, they finally realized what an epidemic they had on their hands.
“At first our entire department was baffled by these questionable accounts, but as the evidence literally stumbled into our doors, we finally opened them,” admitted Rude Illes of the Cort Detective Bureau. “The local hospital is swamped with hundreds of people that have no right to be blind.”
Medical personnel have issued statements suggesting people not walk in heavily graffitied areas or, if they absolutely must, to do so with their eyes closed. Other alternatives have been also been successful such as wearing a billed hat low over the eyes or staring upwards to keep walls out of the peripheral.
An unlucky outpatient of Cabrini Medical Center fumes, “Graffiti used to be just some innocent teen fad, now it’s all out visual warfare.” He fumbles for his coffee mug with a tragic glassy-eyed stare and remarks, “I never thought street tags would take looking away from me.”
The lucky ones are left traversing clumsily through the city.
-Christian Macomb
