DAVISBURG, AL – The residents of Davisburg know all too much the power struggle related to the recent energy crisis. With the problems between fossil fuels and ozone depletion, this town is stepping up to combat the evils of atmospheric intoxicants. Recently, they have made a name for themselves by proclaiming they are NOFAS, or “Number One at Fighting Airborne Shit,” and putting Davisburg on the map in the process.
“[We're] just tired of all these pollutin’ bums throwin’ whatever they please into our air, that’s everyone’s air. You can’t do that, I breathe it.” Said local congressman Gerlald Gervais. Gervais has been an advocate of recycling and garbage disposal since early 2001, when his daughter died in a freak carbon monoxide accident. “You jus’ can’t leave those Glade Wisps in your child’s crib less’un you want ‘em to die, and that’s exactly what we’re here to stop.”
The NOFAS council has devised a list of useful energy alternatives to things commonly wasted in average households. Lemon Pulp gives you now the exclusive list straight from the mouth of NOFAS.
Firefly Lightbulbs:
All too often does the average homeowner waste thousands of dollars on lightbulbs that only provide light for a fraction of time. NOFAS recommends capturing fireflies in jars instead. They’re harmless, renewable, and easily accessible, not to mention much cheaper! If history has taught us anything, it’s “Fuck Edison.”
Don’t Use the Internet:
The internet is full of horrible things, and unbeknownst to most, drains your computer’s battery life by almost 25%. Think of all the mental stress you’ll avoid, as well as keeping your computer in top shape by prolonging battery life and potential viruses!
Homemade Electricity:
Why waste thousand of dollars on the assumption that the city will provide you electricity when you’re guaranteed blackouts during storms? Sounds like a double standard to us. Instead, NOFAS recommends simply holding a spoon, shuffling across the carpet, and touching whatever needs to be powered. It may be inconvenient in the present, but any more inconvenient than trusting a fat cat city representative with your family’s defibrillator? Unlikely!
Water Instead of Aerosol:
What can’t water do? The answer is nothing. Instead of wasting time and money on expensive hair sprays and cool whip, simply add water to your head fur and confections! You’ve heard of using crazy things like baking soda for grease fires and nail polish remover for gum stuck on the floor, so really, why wouldn’t something equally crazy work?
Davisburg claims to have worked cohesively quite well to put together such an amazing list, despite arguments over whether or not Pony Throwing is considered a healthy alternative to Midget Tossing (the general consensus was “neigh”). Hopefully with their new initiative in place and a lust for saving the environment, these green crusaders are looking to transform the United States into a land before pox blankets.
-Mindy Preston
Honestly, why even bother to put the fireflies in a jar? Just let them free throughout your house! Then, everything (that they wind up going to) gets lit! It’s not like you have an electric bill to pay, so why not light up everything, even if it’s only a tiny, flying yellow dot?