Michael Vick Pleads Guilty To Dogfighting, Hate Crimes

 

BROOKLYN, NY – The tension was thick in the courtroom when Michael Vick choked out his guilty plea to hosting dog fighting and taking part in the gambling, but what’s got everyone worried are the extra charges that have been popping up as a result of his prolonged stint in the limelight.

“Let’s not go overboard, here.” Jacob Breckenridge, Michael Vick’s attorney, had to say.  “There are a lot of fingers being pointed, a lot of allegations being wildly thrown around, and frankly, I’m sick of it.  Everytime someone gets a little extra attention, a little more spotlight, everyone’s got something to say about it.”

Though the “someones” in this case don’t seem to think their case lacks validity, unlike the approximate 78 other cases currently being weighed in, almost literally, against Vick.  They’re GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) but in this instance, are far from representing their titular acronym.

“Michael Vick wasn’t in dogfighting for the money, he wasn’t in it for the sport, Michael Vick was having purebred dogs, dogs from overseas if need be, buying and training only a certain type of dogs for this gruesome combat.  Michael Vick was specifically torturing gay dogs.” Gina Remi, spokesperson for GLAAD, had to say.  “Dogfighting isn’t necessarily ‘bad’ you could say — I mean sure, it’s cruel and whatever — but this was pure symbolism.  Michael Vick hates gay people, and uses gay animals to prove it.”

Whether or not this case will hold any water against him, Vick certainly did not help himself by referring to GLAAD as “you mean those angry faggots?”

- Henry Chambers

Tags Induce Blinding Epidemic

Harlem, NY – A flurry of new underground street tags are causing an irreversible & symptomless blindness.

Authorities have been receiving bizarre reports of graffiti that “induce blindness” but dismissed most early calls as teen pranks. As the volume of calls escalated from minute to catastrophic, they finally realized what an epidemic they had on their hands.

“At first our entire department was baffled by these questionable accounts, but as the evidence literally stumbled into our doors, we finally opened them,” admitted Rude Illes of the Cort Detective Bureau. “The local hospital is swamped with hundreds of people that have no right to be blind.”

Medical personnel have issued statements suggesting people not walk in heavily graffitied areas or, if they absolutely must, to do so with their eyes closed. Other alternatives have been also been successful such as wearing a billed hat low over the eyes or staring upwards to keep walls out of the peripheral.

An unlucky outpatient of Cabrini Medical Center fumes, “Graffiti used to be just some innocent teen fad, now it’s all out visual warfare.” He fumbles for his coffee mug with a tragic glassy-eyed stare and remarks, “I never thought street tags would take looking away from me.”

The lucky ones are left traversing clumsily through the city.

-Christian Macomb

Gullible, Among Others Inducted Into Webster’s

SPRINGFIELD, MS – Everybody’s stirred, to say the least, about some new entries that are going to be printed in the future release of Webster’s Dictionary. Some words like Sudoku, Bollywood and “ginormous” are raising eyebrows, but the real controversy making its way to the head of debate is the inclusion of the word that’s eluded exact definition for years: gullible.

“We haven’t defined it until now simply because no one could agree on what it meant.” Herschel Dempsey, CEO of Merriam Webster, had to say. “It’s a word with a lot of roots in a lot of languages. It has so many different meanings … somehow [gullible] is a certain arragement of syllables that most dialects seem to favor.”

This new entry isn’t just a big step for finally ending the feud over the exact definition of gullible, but a gigantic step for uniting cultures worldwide.

Boston high school librarian, Maxine Ferrell lauds Merriam Webster, stating “This is brilliant, really. Almost globally we share a common slang term, a word almost singlehandedly shared by all people, finally we won’t just share the word… we can share the context.”

The only controversy that still looms around the hot word “gullible” is the meticulous effort from translators to make sure the word is defined exactly at it is used in each language, and that the roots are well researched so it’s not anchored to one nation’s dialect over another.

On the whole, it will be relieving to many major authorities on languages and international relations to finally agree on a common definition for gullible, which has so far never been defined in printed word.

-Freida Johnson

Ultraman: Master Of Defeating Monsters, Yo Mama Jokes?

SAN BERNARDINO, CA – Weeks ago, a child’s play phone was recalled because the voicebox in the toy pronounced the word “six” in a way that turned it into a very offensive word to many. Now toy collectors are searching through what talking toys they own to see if they have any other foul mouthed toys.

Robert McAnderson, toy collector, 62, claims to own a talking Ultraman toy which tells yo mama jokes instead of voice clips from the show. The toy was purchased years ago at a Japanese family garage sale, but McAnderson hadn’t put batteries in the figure until recently.

“I just can’t believe that little kids in Japan are growing up learning things like this,” McAnderson said. “Any English-speaking person who goes to Japan is going to be bombarded by yo mama jokes from little Japanese kids.”

The toy in question, a talking Ultraman Tiga Sky Type figure produced by Bandai in 1996, is supposed to say Tiga’s power-up saying. Instead the figure blurts out lines such as “yo mama is so ugly that she goes to the veterinarian for check-ups – on herself!” Even more amazingly, the toy’s single line has been replaced with a seemingly infinite amount of jokes.

Bandai Japan, which sent researchers over to McAnderson’s house, reported that the toy in question did not have any batteries in it, and so would be unable to talk. After requesting a background check on McAnderson, Bandai concluded in a press release that the yo mama jokes were a result of the owner’s extensive training in ventriloquism.

“Ventriloquism? That’s ridiculous,” said McAnderson’s nearby coffee mug.

-Scott Robinson

Alternative Energy Solutions

DAVISBURG, AL – The residents of Davisburg know all too much the power struggle related to the recent energy crisis. With the problems between fossil fuels and ozone depletion, this town is stepping up to combat the evils of atmospheric intoxicants. Recently, they have made a name for themselves by proclaiming they are NOFAS, or “Number One at Fighting Airborne Shit,” and putting Davisburg on the map in the process.

“[We're] just tired of all these pollutin’ bums throwin’ whatever they please into our air, that’s everyone’s air. You can’t do that, I breathe it.” Said local congressman Gerlald Gervais. Gervais has been an advocate of recycling and garbage disposal since early 2001, when his daughter died in a freak carbon monoxide accident. “You jus’ can’t leave those Glade Wisps in your child’s crib less’un you want ‘em to die, and that’s exactly what we’re here to stop.”

The NOFAS council has devised a list of useful energy alternatives to things commonly wasted in average households. Lemon Pulp gives you now the exclusive list straight from the mouth of NOFAS.

Firefly Lightbulbs:
All too often does the average homeowner waste thousands of dollars on lightbulbs that only provide light for a fraction of time. NOFAS recommends capturing fireflies in jars instead. They’re harmless, renewable, and easily accessible, not to mention much cheaper! If history has taught us anything, it’s “Fuck Edison.”

Don’t Use the Internet:
The internet is full of horrible things, and unbeknownst to most, drains your computer’s battery life by almost 25%. Think of all the mental stress you’ll avoid, as well as keeping your computer in top shape by prolonging battery life and potential viruses!

Homemade Electricity:
Why waste thousand of dollars on the assumption that the city will provide you electricity when you’re guaranteed blackouts during storms? Sounds like a double standard to us. Instead, NOFAS recommends simply holding a spoon, shuffling across the carpet, and touching whatever needs to be powered. It may be inconvenient in the present, but any more inconvenient than trusting a fat cat city representative with your family’s defibrillator? Unlikely!

Water Instead of Aerosol:
What can’t water do? The answer is nothing. Instead of wasting time and money on expensive hair sprays and cool whip, simply add water to your head fur and confections! You’ve heard of using crazy things like baking soda for grease fires and nail polish remover for gum stuck on the floor, so really, why wouldn’t something equally crazy work?

Davisburg claims to have worked cohesively quite well to put together such an amazing list, despite arguments over whether or not Pony Throwing is considered a healthy alternative to Midget Tossing (the general consensus was “neigh”). Hopefully with their new initiative in place and a lust for saving the environment, these green crusaders are looking to transform the United States into a land before pox blankets.

-Mindy Preston

Urlacher To Join Slaughter, Fridge?

PAWTUCKET, RI – With a new series of G.I. Joe figures being released this year, which honor the 25th Anniversary of the series, Hasbro is once again exploring the possibility of celebrity Joes. And at the moment, it appears the top runner is Brian Urlacher.

“It seemed pretty obvious to choose Brian,” Edward Thompson, Assistant Director of the G.I. Joe line, said. “Urlacher’s a big name in sports, and the kids really seem to like him, so we figured he’d be a good starting point for us, in case we do any more.”

During the mid 80’s, the G.I. Joe line had signed the likes of former WWE wrestler Sergeant Slaughter to be the Joe’s drill instructor, and former NFL player William “Refrigerator” Perry as the physical training instructor. It appears Urlacher will be replacing Perry.

“We had talked to Perry, and he seemed very interested in getting another figure, but we decided to pull the plug on it,” Thompson said. “[William] isn’t very big right now, and we can’t have a physical training instructor who is 400 lbs. overweight.”

To appeal to collectors as well as kids, Urlacher’s figure will be based on a classic bald-headed Joe, anti-armor trooper Salvo. Current designs have Urlacher in Salvo’s brown T-shirt and jeans attire, also sporting Salvo’s giant one-handed four-barreled missile launcher. Thompson said the weapon seemed rather fitting for Urlacher. A code name for Urlacher is still in the works.

Other plans to produce a figure of Michael Vick as a Joe canine unit have since been abandoned.

-Reggie Fitzpatrick

Japan To Build World-Wide Monorail

NAGOYA, JAPAN – Home to such notable superstars as Toyota Motors and Ultimo Dragon, Nagoya remains one of Japan’s most technologically prolific and beautiful cities. Ready to make his mark on the world and bring a new sense of pride to Japan is roller coaster enthusiast and Nagoya native Kenji Iwata. “I really feel a strong connection between all people of the world,” says Iwata, “and I think the best thing I can do to help unify us is the only thing I know how; build roller coasters.”

Iwata grew a fondness for coasters back in 1999, with the release of Infogrames’ Roller Coaster Tycoon series. “I would always build the tallest coaster I could, then ‘conveniently forget’ to build the remaining track, so all the people would plunge to their death. It was a really fun game.” Iwata, without having any previous knowledge of roller coaster construction, applied for a position at Tokyo City Amusement Park in 2002. His dreams were shattered when they told him they were only looking for professionals.

“I think that’s the problem with a lot of businesses these days.” Iwata writes in his autobiography Railway To Heaven. “Nobody will hire you unless you have experience, but then they turn around and release games that you have to be a professional to beat. It’s hypocrisy.”

Iwata eventually landed a job as a carnie at TCAP, operating the Ring Toss Game. “It wasn’t a roller coaster, but it was a start.” Laughs Iwata. In early 2006, Iwata finally gained independence from the park, as well as his GED, and assembled a team of engineers to design a monorail system across the world. “At first we were just going to attempt to cross the Atlantic Ocean, but now that the project is underway, we might as well make it available to everyone.”

Hawaii resident Alan Gremore is skeptical of the monorail project. “It’s strange that they’ve kept something this big a secret for so long,” questions Gremore. “But it wouldn’t be the first time Japan has dropped a bomb on us.”

-Russell Wembley

Celebrity Gossip: Manuel Uribe Garza

MONTEREY, MEXICO – Big things are on the rise this fall, but only one thing has seemed to engulf the public’s attention at large: Manuel Uribe Garza. Recently weighing in at only 1230 lbs., he’s got everyone talking. From New York to New Dehli, this attention starved glutton for the spotlight is a real ham.

“I’ve got a reality show in the fall, actually, that I’m really looking forward to.” Garza begins. “Plus, I’m also going to make a few Law & Order appearances and — don’t quote me on this — but there was some talk with Miramax about a biopic… not about [me] though, I would be playing the role of Emiliano Zapata in the upcoming ‘Si, Podemos.’”

Has all this stardust gotten to Garza’s head? Recently a steamy, private sex tape has surfaced that has all the media talking.

“It’s what everyone is afraid to admit they wanted to see.” Mark Gimley of People magazine had to say. “I mean… it’s taboo, you know. He’s on this tape, being sassy, bold and totally nude… even if he is most of the time because normal people clothes couldn’t possibly fit him, we all had our assumptions about the morbidly obese, but when that camera starts rolling, he is confident, he is robust and as controversial as it might be, it’s exactly what we all needed.”

Insofar, Garza has yet to comment on this video, but in the meantime it has spread across youtube.com, uselessjunk.com and TMZ.com reports that they’ve never seen any video — viral or otherwise — cause such a stir of downloads from their site.

Only time will tell exactly how big Garza will get.

-Frank Patterson

Pirate Treasure Lures Residents To Death

RUTHERFORD, OR – A typically quiet town, barring the rooster infestation that had been led to officials quarantining the area in the summer of 2005 for an avian flu outbreak, Rutherford remains today a beautiful tourist town on the coast of Oregon. Rarely do the residents of Rutherford make such a startling discovery as they have this afternoon, however, when fishermen returning from a regular day at sea noticed a strange tugging on their anchor.

According to reports by the family owned fishing business, this kind of thing happens all the time. “It’s usually just an old tire or sewage pipe, I don’t know why people are getting so excited about it.” Fisherman Danny Grohl tells news officials. “My only guess is that one of the new guys starting spreading rumors that it might be a treasure chest.”

Soon enough, most of Rutherford had heard of the news, and attempted swimming out to sea to find the treasure themselves. Against all attempts by local law enforcement to stop them, many people have paddled out in the Pacific, yet to return.

“I know plenty of folks who have died trying to find out what’s in that box,” Rutherford resident Tom Oakley states. “But I just have to see what’s down there!” Oakley, despite reaction from his peers to stay on land, geared up in newly purchased scuba equipment and made his way out to sea.

“I really can’t believe he’s doing this.” Oakley’s wife of 15 years states. “I mean, he’s done stupid things before, but this… this is a new low for Tom. Even lower than gambling with our daughter’s dental insurance. Though, I would like to see what’s in that chest.”

Flotsam & Jetsam Boating Co. failed to offer an official statement regarding the situation, simply handing Lemon Pulp reporters a flyer for 50% all new and used sloops.

-Will Green

School Lunches Contain High Cholesterol; Opium

HAZLETON, PA – It was a humid morning in Hazleton, Pennsylvania. The paperboy was just beginning his route, Old Man Willis was just setting up for a one-man game of Dominos in the park, and Mayor Lou Barletta sat down at his organized desk to start his day of paperwork, when a certain proposal caught his attention.

“I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes.” Mayor Lou Barletta stammers in disbelief. “Apparently, and — don’t ask me how — but apparently, there were trace, well, there were more than just trace amounts, I guess you could say… well, to face facts: there was opium in the chicken nuggets.”

The community had not seen shock like this since a savage creationism vs. evolution debate took place that resulted in two serious injuries and a reported official blood feud. “This case is unique,” Mayor Lou Barletta began. “We don’t want to know how the drugs got into the food, but I’m doing everything I can to stop these kids from experimenting with opium until they’re adults.”

The grim effects of this sweeping epidemic have already begun to touch base at home. “It’s just absolutely awful,” Shawn Patterson, a local concerned parent, stated. “Now my child wants to know if I can buy him opium for his birthday, for christmas… I’m not made of money.”

The local police department is scrambling for answers. They left no comment, though the general consensus of the city is that they are incompotent, overpaid, and all around atrocious, immobile piles of infectious depression encased in a husk of putrid flesh stained in African American blood.

“We just want our freedom!” Jamal Thompson, large proponent of the anti-police movement, shouted at the police station, clutching a bottle of Hennessey cleverly disguised in a crinkled old paper bag.

-Teresa Masters